Sometimes, an older driver’s fear of dependence overrides your caring, reasonable persuasion and his or her better judgment. Other times, the older driver stubbornly denies having any problems with driving. The driver refuses to retire from the road until a serious collision scares them or tragedy intervenes. These cases often represent the most frustrating, painful, and divisive struggles a family can face. They demand all of your tact, understanding, and love.

Get help.

Studies show that older drivers give the least credibility to family members who criticize their driving. This can be especially true if the critic is their own child. “I’m still the parent and you’re still the kid,” they think ― even if the kid is a 50-year-old corporate executive.

Older drivers show much more willingness to accept suggestions from law enforcement officers, doctors, and friends ― particularly fellow seniors ― to frankly discuss driving problems and the possibility of giving up the keys. They should express their concern sincerely and sympathetically. Often, their words will carry more weight than yours.

Talk to the driver’s doctor too. In many states, laws require doctors to file a report with the motor vehicle licensing authority when a patient is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, dementia, seizure disorders, narcolepsy, and other specific health conditions. Doctors may report a patient for other conditions at their discretion, even though not required by law. However, some doctors resist the latter step because they fear violating their patient’s confidentiality or because the legal criteria are vague. At the very least, the doctor can professionally explain the effects of aging to the driver and make recommendations.

Report unsafe drivers.

Almost every state has a procedure in which anyone can report an unsafe driver of any age to the department of motor vehicles. (In fact, police officers may file such reports after a
collision involving a suspect driver.) Usually, if the state agency finds the complaint reasonable and credible, the driver named will be required to take a re-examination, and his or her license may be revised or revoked based on the results.

Before taking this drastic step, however, contact your state’s department of motor vehicles or licensing authority to learn the complete procedure and the full consequences. Usually, the person filing the report must reveal his or her name, although the state promises to hold it in confidence. You may choose to ask a friend, more distant relative, doctor, or local police officer to file the report. Above all, think through the full ramifications of filing such a report, including prospective court appearances, your personal involvement, and the possible consequences to the driver. Prepare yourself to take responsibility and live with those consequences.

No one likes to report a relative. But sometimes safety demands it as the only alternative to a personal confrontation or a more devious act, such as stealing and hiding the car keys.

Of course, frank discussions, early planning, and continual attention to the needs of aging loved ones can avoid the need for such drastic steps. For most people, giving up the keys ― like aging itself ― is not a sudden event but a gradual process. Knowing what to expect and preparing for the inevitable can make the process less painful and avert crisis.